Questions, concerns and considerations. Running through my mind at what seems like every moment of my waking day. What will my babies look like? Will I be able to breastfeed? Will they be naturally born or will I have a c-section? Do we have enough money to support a family of four? When will they come home from the hospital? Will there be any complications? etc. etc. etc...There are moments when my mind is so clouded with thoughts, like a mask the condensation begins to hide what's really behind my being. I make like everything is ok and all is well, when underneath it all, I am scared, anxious, paranoid and somewhat depressed. It's in these critical moments that I realize the damage my thoughts have taken on my 'being' and on the creation of my future.
Perhaps it was the experience of myself this afternoon. Due to an abnormal one hour glucose screening, my OB ordered a second more extensive glucose test be taken. While in the middle of this three hour glucose tolerance test, I became ill and almost fainted. After I threw up, the phlebotomist ordered the test be suspended. Four vials of blood were to be drawn; As a result of dehydration, my veins were not plump enough to draw from. I was pricked four times. The last attempt was in the middle of my forearm...
I've fainted once in my life. It was on a Saturday night in the middle of a Dave and Busters arcade. Today was different. Today I remembered everything that was happening to me. The nausea, the buzzing in my ears and the tunnel vision. The struggle to not vomit and stay alert and awake... Grabbing Kevin's t-shirt to stay upright and forcing myself to keep moving as I thought it would keep me from fainting. Then finally throwing up in to a small trash can... and then feeling a little bit better after expelling the awful glucose syrup I was asked to drink at the beginning of the test. All the while, the same question was swirling in my head, "Don't faint! You're pregnant with twins! Don't faint! Don't go down! Stay awake! The twins, the babies!"
For some reason, I made it mean that if I fainted, I would have lost. Lost what? I don't know. All I could think about in the moment was to stay awake and grip Kevin's shirt as tightly as possible. I was so fearful that if I fainted, that something would happen to the babies. As I got my head together, I realized that the combination of fasting and dehydration most likely put my body on overdrive, therefor causing my blood ressure to drop and feel faint. Low blood sugar could have also been a culprit.
With all that said and done, I still go back to reoccuring dialogue of: Questions, concerns and consderations. As one could imagine, after todays drama at the lab, I have more concerns than ever. The meditation or lesson, however, lies right in front of me... literally. My future holds nothing. Absolutely nothing... If it holds nothing, than it can hold anything. I remind myself that it's probable that tomorrow will be another anxious, concern filled day if I allow it to be. I can create a day of anxiety and unanswered questions if I wanted to. The paradox is that none of know REALLY what will happen tomorrow. We are always moment to moment and in the space of NOW. Fleeting really. SO tomorrow could really be a day of unexpected miracles... if I create it that way.
I may physically still be a bit weak and dehydrated from todays episode. But who I am is not 'dehydrated and weak'; that is simply the experience I have of my physical self. Who I am is resilient, peaceful and light. Questions, concerns and considerations may still cloud my vision, but for now, I'm taking on that I can still see through the clouds... it just takes an alternate way of CREATING the world in front of me.
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