I am currently 12 weeks pregnant. Almost at the end of my my 1st tri-mester. YAY! The following is my first blog entry as a pregnant person... hah! Enjoy.
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It’s Thursday morning, October 29, at 10:30 am. I am walking to the scale, I take off my scarf, put my purse down, I take off my shoes, and I think about all the other items on my body I can remove... (girls are funny about their weight, yes?) I step on to the scale and am surprised that I have not gained any weight. Yay! I mean, yay? Wait, I thought I was supposed to gain weight. I’m slightly concerned about not gaining weight, but then recall from researching that it is normal to gain only three pounds or so in the first tri-mester. Phew, ok on to the room with the stirrups, yoo-hoo!
The nurse asks me to pull up my sweater as she wraps the inflatable device around my arm to measure my blood pressure. Tighter, tighter and tighter, until she says, “116/80... normal.” She asks me to lay down so she can look for the baby’s heartbeat. I lie down and as I stare up at the ceiling, there are four or five images from familiar comics and pictures of kittens and puppies. Humorous sayings are printed on them meant to put patients like me at ease. (If I could remember what they said I would share them, but I forgot...) Gel is being rubbed on my lower belly and I shudder at the coolness as my skin becomes goose pimply. As the nurse presses the device in to my belly, the sound is like a loud wind, swishing and swooshing in my stomach. She stops and I listen, she moves a little to the right, I listen... She moves a little to the left, I listen... She continues to prod my belly for what seems like an eternity. I hear a faint beat and the nurse quickly tells me that the sound I hear is my OWN heartbeat. “Okaaay...”, I’m thinking in my head. “Where is the BABY’s heartbeat?” The nurse turns the speaker off and says to me, “Well, its early.” I can feel my face turn red and the heat begins to shoot through my body. The nurse says to me, “Okay, so now you can meet the Doctor and she will talk to you about some other things.” I’m wiping goopy gel off of my stomach and I’m semi-pissed that I didn’t hear the heartbeat inside my belly.
I’m walking down the hallway gripping Kevin’s hand and I am talking to myself in my head. “Why couldn’t she find the heartbeat? Why? Why? What’s wrong with my baby? Is it even alive?” Kevin and I sit down at Dr. Sugihara’s desk. The Doctor sits down and begins to chat about my test results. I breathe a sigh of relief as all of my tests have come back clear. I ask a few important questions about more tests during the next few weeks. Then the Doctor says, “Okay, so let’s go listen to the heartbeat!”
I tightly grip Kevin’s hand. I walk back in to the examination room. The cool gel hits my skin again, but this time, I don’t mind. The device probes my belly once again, and we hear the swish-swoosh sounds again. The Doctor quickly points out that the sound we hear is my own heartbeat. “How many beats per minute is the fetus’s heart beating at?”, I ask. “About 150 beats per minute”, she replies. She scans and scans, presses and prods, back and forth... I am feeling anxious, scared and fearful. I look in Kevin’s direction and he smiles at me reassuringly. I look up at the comics at the ceiling, and I am not amused anymore. The Doctor tells us that the target is only two millimeters in size so it may take time to find it. Three to four minutes pass (which feels like an hour) and I can feel myself fill with sorrow. “What if it is gone? What if it is dead? What if it doesn’t even exist?” The thought’s in my head take over and I close my eyes in sadness.
The sounds emitting from the speaker still mimic those of a windstorm. Then my Doctor asks me to stay still and jokingly says, “Okay, hold your breath...” And then, I hear it! I look over to Kevin and he is smiling with his head down. Tears begin streaming spontaneously out of my eyes. The heartbeat sounds like a swirling spinning washing machine, “Sweesh-o Sweesh-o Sweesh-o”. I was so present in that moment. All of my bills, financial matters, pending appointments and any angst I held in my heart - completely vanished “in a heartbeat”.
Kevin and I leave the Doctor’s office completely astonished and feeling alive. We enjoy a plate of pasta at our favorite Italian joint, Roma D’ Italia. Spaghetti and meatballs for Kevin and clam linguini with white sauce for mommy and baby.
