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Questions, concerns and considerations. Running through my mind at what seems like every moment of my waking day. What will my babies look like? Will I be able to breastfeed? Will they be naturally born or will I have a c-section? Do we have enough money to support a family of four? When will they come home from the hospital? Will there be any complications? etc. etc. etc...
There are moments when my mind is so clouded with thoughts, like a mask the condensation begins to hide what's really behind my being. I make like everything is ok and all is well, when underneath it all, I am scared, anxious, paranoid and somewhat depressed. It's in these critical moments that I realize the damage my thoughts have taken on my 'being' and on the creation of my future.
Perhaps it was the experience of myself this afternoon. Due to an abnormal one hour glucose screening, my OB ordered a second more extensive glucose test be taken. While in the middle of this three hour glucose tolerance test, I became ill and almost fainted. After I threw up, the phlebotomist ordered the test be suspended. Four vials of blood were to be drawn; As a result of dehydration, my veins were not plump enough to draw from. I was pricked four times. The last attempt was in the middle of my forearm...
I've fainted once in my life. It was on a Saturday night in the middle of a Dave and Busters arcade. Today was different. Today I remembered everything that was happening to me. The nausea, the buzzing in my ears and the tunnel vision. The struggle to not vomit and stay alert and awake... Grabbing Kevin's t-shirt to stay upright and forcing myself to keep moving as I thought it would keep me from fainting. Then finally throwing up in to a small trash can... and then feeling a little bit better after expelling the awful glucose syrup I was asked to drink at the beginning of the test. All the while, the same question was swirling in my head, "Don't faint! You're pregnant with twins! Don't faint! Don't go down! Stay awake! The twins, the babies!"
For some reason, I made it mean that if I fainted, I would have lost. Lost what? I don't know. All I could think about in the moment was to stay awake and grip Kevin's shirt as tightly as possible. I was so fearful that if I fainted, that something would happen to the babies. As I got my head together, I realized that the combination of fasting and dehydration most likely put my body on overdrive, therefor causing my blood ressure to drop and feel faint. Low blood sugar could have also been a culprit.
With all that said and done, I still go back to reoccuring dialogue of: Questions, concerns and consderations. As one could imagine, after todays drama at the lab, I have more concerns than ever. The meditation or lesson, however, lies right in front of me... literally. My future holds nothing. Absolutely nothing... If it holds nothing, than it can hold anything. I remind myself that it's probable that tomorrow will be another anxious, concern filled day if I allow it to be. I can create a day of anxiety and unanswered questions if I wanted to. The paradox is that none of know REALLY what will happen tomorrow. We are always moment to moment and in the space of NOW. Fleeting really. SO tomorrow could really be a day of unexpected miracles... if I create it that way.
I may physically still be a bit weak and dehydrated from todays episode. But who I am is not 'dehydrated and weak'; that is simply the experience I have of my physical self. Who I am is resilient, peaceful and light. Questions, concerns and considerations may still cloud my vision, but for now, I'm taking on that I can still see through the clouds... it just takes an alternate way of CREATING the world in front of me.
Unfortunately, my ObGyn does not conduct ultrasound procedures in her office. We were anxious to find out the sex of our baby, so we chose to see a 3D/4D specialist in Huntington Beach. The ultrasound is not a diagnostic scan of the baby. The office we visited specializes in 3D and 4D images and video for keepsake purposes.
I sit back on the reclined table, and there is a large machine beside me (the ultrasound and 3D/4D machine). In front of me mounted on the wall is a large flat screen panel television (42" or so) with an image of the familiar ultrasound scan window. As the technician applies a cold gel to my belly, we chit chat about how this is my first ultra-sound scan and that I am quite anxious to know the sex of the baby. She begins to rub the scanner back and forth on my belly and we continue chit chatting. I'm looking up at the arge screen as we are talking and I notice that there are two separate 'blobs' on the screen. I ignore it and guess that it's nothing. The technician continues to rub the scanner around my belly, and says to me, "Well..." (It was that moment I knew something was up)... I replied to her by saying, "SHUT UP!" And she tells me that she see's two baby's in my belly.
Cue emotional crying...
Kevin is video taping the drama on his camera and remains very very quiet. As soon as I am able to load the video online, you can all see for yourself how the drama unfolds...
We are so blesed and are both still in awe of this miraculous event. Twins run in both my mother and fathers family. I have second cousins who are twins... so although I am surprised, I'm not THAT surprised. (But I'm still surprised...)
Mom and Dad are in awe and still can't believe that they will be Granparents to TWINS. Kevin's parents are just as surprised. I am just as surprised and in awe of the whole thing. Knowing that I have a BOY and a GIRL growing inside my belly, I take pause often during my day and thank the universe for such gifts.
The outpouring of support and love from my friends and family is greatly appreciated. I still can't believe that I am having twins... Thank you to everyone who has committed to donating their time, their hand me downs to advice on my pregnancy and labor procedures.
I am scared, anxious and excited to begin this journey of motherhood. I am taking it all day by day and moment by moment.
more updates to follow - and hopefully a video...
Somewhere around 15 weeks, my belly kind of... expanded. All of a sudden my handy 'bella band' (a large stretchy spandexy tube you wear over your non-maternity jeans, pants, etc.) was NOT keeping my pants up. I would sit down at a restaurant, and as I stood up, the sag in my rear end hung nearly to the middle of my thighs... not very flattering. My mother, just laughs.
Friends bend over and put there mouths to my stomach and speak softly to my belly... they gently pat or rub my belly as if it somehow will bring good fortune or luck. Compliment or annoyance? Well, if I am anything like the Buddha, total compliment. If I am anything like a FAT man with a sign above his head that reads, "Good Fortune", annoyance.
Kevin will rub his hand over my belly and look at it while saying things like, "How's the BABY...?" or, "Ooohhh, look at the babeee..." And I think privately to myself, "I wonder if the baby understands the difference between the sounds of adults making "coochie-coo" non-sense and simply speaking coherantly...?
I am frustrated that I have not had an ultra-sound performed. I have heard the heartbeat, but I have yet to SEE it. Isn't that supposed to be a milestone? My last visit to my OBGYN was disappointing... I reminded her that during the last appointment she had mentioned that I would have the opportunity to have an ultra-sound performed. She let out a deep sigh and said, "Well, it's not like a big deal or anything... It's like, there it is, there's the baby, then you're done." I was so taken aback that I didn't even react to her statement. I have been bitter ever since. Perhaps it is my own attachment. I just wanted her to keep her word...
So I am up late, I wake up late then I eat late... this vicious cycle has taken a toll on me. I can tell that the baby needs more nourishment. I wake groggy and weak. When I do eat, I feel exceptionally nauseous. I almost had an accident at Whole Foods this evening. Soba sounded so yummy and healthy (with spinach and wakame). I could tell Kevin was really nervous, but Ihad him stay put in his chair in case I did hurl. Talk about mind control... I can not recall a time where I was more ready to throw up --- it was right there. And I psyched myself out of it... it was a really intense five minutes... We left the market unscathed and with a nice bag of leftovers...
Questions, concerns and considerations. Running through my mind at what seems like every moment of my waking day. What will my babies look like? Will I be able to breastfeed? Will they be naturally born or will I have a c-section? Do we have enough money to support a family of four? When will they come home from the hospital? Will there be any complications? etc. etc. etc...
I 
